Today, the first part of a two part short story, The Wall, under "Essays" in the web site.  Part II will be published next Friday.  It is a stab at short fiction, sci-fi, in fact, something this author has not attempted in decades.  Hopefully, this will not be too apparent.  FK

Over the past week, I have had to confront a thwarting of my will. Trying not to bring someone else personally into this here, I will not name a name, as obvious as it might be.  Let's just say that someone I am very close to, who I have worked with and for for years to get him a good start on life, has decided on a different path than the one I envisioned.  I have seen this coming, but I always kept out hope that something transformational would happen, and that my desires and his would mesh.  That has not happened, and I am reminded of the philosopher who once said (more or less) that "people continue to pray so that 2 plus 2 will not equal 4."  With a clearer head, I could have seen all along that my plans were not the right ones for him - only for me. Finally realizing the truth, I at first felt anger, then grief, then defeat - as I still feel now.  Silly of course, as this does not mean the end of the world or anything close to it, but I was so invested - so sure that MY will be done.

As so often happen in ways I cannot know, I recently bought a book that directly assaults this effort of the will.  Titled Will and Spirit, by Gerald May, PhD (and psychiatrist), I did not  buy it because of my troubles, and did not even know what it was about.  Instead, the book was mentioned by the last author posted here, Phillip St Romain, as his "very favorite." How could I go wrong with such a recommendation by such a smart and spiritual man?  

I did not go wrong, but, after reading the first 50 or so pages of this long book, I have found it constructively devastating, addressing my very concerns and filling me with a sense of hypocrisy.  First, May destabilizes certain truths, many that I have held, with the precision of the mental surgeon that he is.  He prods open every desire that humans have for religion and spirit, and in general exposes the egoistic grounds they are built on. One of the hardest to hit was his criticism of transpersonal psychology, where he eviscerates the very notion that we can control our spiritual destiny.  It was not so much that I disagreed with him overall: I have long had a distaste for magical-like formulas that are supposed to summon God to our side.  God is not to be summoned.  But I thought at least I knew something of the Mystery and how I had a decent opportunity to control at least a little of my access to it.  While May understands that a spiritual approach to life is a help, he shows clearly that in this there lies no guarantees. 

This is not because God is fickle.  He remains remote because we think we can conjure this ultimate ground through some working of our will.  Thus we come to May's critical thesis; that much if not most of what we think we can obtain through spirit comes only from a way of thinking that believes we can control spirit.  But spirit does not work in this way.  Rather, it works as itself alone wills, and we can at best only remain open to it through Willingness - that is, by putting our Will to rest to allow spirit to do as it wills (if we can use that analogy to human will with spirit).  However that might be.  

However that might be.  I have long concluded that my own plans in my early life were indeed only the workings of mice and men. I have come to understand that what I had wanted, and how I would obtain what I wanted, were only desires and means picked up through our limited network of social meaning, of what the social thinks is important, and how the social thinks one should get what is important.  But this has been through hindsight that has become 20-20 or close to it only through time.  But on current events, I find that I still am trying to implement my will through preconceived formulas that often are little more than magical chants, be they prayer or mental calculations.  A painful but needed slap in the face, to be sure.

There is still a long way to go in this book, but it appears that May equates intuition with grace, and that for grace, we can only get ourselves out of the way.  He tells us that research on "peak experiences" - the unitive feelings of awe and beauty that is common to all peoples in all times and cultures studied - shows that they cannot be coerced - not by prayer, not by fasting, not by meditation or drugs.  They come - like rain - to sinners and saints alike, as they will, in their own time.  And the message so far is: stop trying to control everything!  It not only causes anxiety, but causes anger and disappointment, or gets the results that we think we want but might not be, not really.  "Thy will be done," comes to mind, and it is a hard thing to accept.  

But May is right - in my own life, I can see the workings of another will that is both mysterious and, as far as I can see with my limited time and intelligence, far wiser than my own.  And so we must back off many times, it seems, in spite of our desires. Thy will will be done.  And our best preparation is a willingness to be awed and amazed by what is truly amazing and awesome, being so in part because it is beyond anything we can make or control ourselves.  FK