No and yes: I know better than to get into messy personal entanglements for a moment of pleasure, or to casually use drugs and alcohol to keep a constant state of a chemical high. But how about my desire for sales with my books? Or a certain kind of success for my son? Or a great boon in income for an easy retirement? These all seem practical and good from my current perspective, but I have been very wrong before, and not just as a youth. Until my 40's, I got drunk fairly often, and my only regret about it were the hang-overs. Ah, to have a cure for hang-overs and my life would be good! No, it wouldn't have. The bad news of hang-overs was the great news for a better life - it forced me to be relatively moderate and might well have saved my life. Oh, and how I prayed for success in my field, anthropology! I did all the other stuff that was necessary as well, but nothing was coming and nothing ever came. It changed my life in a very disagreeable way - I became a house-fixer, house-husband, child-care giver and (unpaid) writer. This, given that I am a man, has not helped my social status to say the least. Believe me, being called a "kept man" hurts. And yet...
And yet, looking back, my time as an anthropologist was the least spiritual in my life. I lived the materialistic theories, and lived to achieve prominence in the field. I was, in many ways, a go-getter butt-head. Failure re-opened the spiritual space, raising our child made me more aware of love than I had ever known, fixing houses gave me knowledge of self-reliance, and the space left after the kid got older gave time to write. It is not perfect - the job search is going back into gear as I seek to relieve my wife of the financial burden, but something more has been gained. What I had wished for was ego-gratification; what I got was growth - and guilt, to be sure, but very important growth. If I had been allowed my wishes - my more mature and non- lethal wishes - I would never have known a world that was not made for my personal gratification, and which has given me greater satisfaction (although not perfection) than I would have had, in spite of myself.
And so, we go back to the idea that intent, or prayer, can change reality, or at least outcomes. I do believe, after much thought and research, that it can. But if you are lucky - or maybe are lucky in simply falling in to a good spiritual practice - you will NOT get what you want, but instead, what you need. The trick is in finding that sweet spot, where you are led like a spoiled child to safety and a better (in the grand scheme) life. Certainly humility and compassion and acceptance are key - but those were never my strong points. Perhaps it is in the trying - of having the will to do - but in not trying to the bitter end, that one's efforts will be guided. For me, I always am led to this particular conclusion: let the quiet voice lead. This voice can be known because it does not tickle the gratification bone, but rather comes from a calm, deep perspective. You may not like the advice or the results, but if you are like me, in hind sight you'll see that you've hit the jack pot, at least for that while. When you can't see, you shouldn't lead the way, especially if you think you can see. It has proven to be the case in my own life. Still, I plead for success, and still, it does not come - but the world continues to turn. May I continue to be so lucky, to not have my way, but rather, the better way.
The quiet voice - not a supine resignation, but a slowing down, a listening, an opening. And maybe a well-needed lesson in humility, for what we want is most often not what we need. For me, I continue to pray, but have added, with difficulty but sincerity, this: give me what I want, but not if it against thy (or the deeper) will. Thy (wisdom's) will be done. In hindsight, it has seemed to work; rather, it has definitely worked. It is, I think, the one true way. FK