Tragedy of tragedy, the storied romance of Bill and Melinda Gates is over. Alas, as the spokesperson for the family said, they are no longer “growing together.” This does not mention the time Bill has spent with a former girlfriend over the past several years, or anything else. I guess we are supposed to simply shake our heads and say, “Well yeah, if they are no longer growing together, I think they SHOULD split. I mean, what else is marriage for?” Excuse me as I reach for the barf bag.
Ok, ok, I am not being justly sympathetic to Bill because of what I think I know of him. It is not as much about his wealth – I would not want the responsibility of that much wealth, although I’d take a few million off his hands – but about his power and how he got it and how he wields it. That conversation would be for another time. But really: grow together? Is that what we are, stair- climbers for each other until one misses a step and then “sayonara”? Is that a good example for a marriage?
I often try to give a full disclosure on myself before writing an opinion, not because my life is an object of fascination, but because I want to at least try to avoid being a hypocrite. Here it is: I have never been divorced, but that is deceiving. Before marriage, I had several relationships that at one time would have been considered marriages. I also did not marry until well into my 30’s, when experience had shown me that the initial flush of “love” in a sexual relationship was illusory at best, and often dangerously deceptive. As a plug for my own work, I have an essay on that, “My Guitar,” in my book Beneath the Turning Stars, where I think I describe the danger of confusing a loving relationship with sexual chemistry very well. Oof-dah. To think of that experience gives me both a feeling of shame and an even greater feeling of relief. Boy howdy was I allowed to dodge the bullet, praise be to my guardian angel and anyone else who came to my rescue.
That said, I at least believe that marriage is a one-time thing that must be enjoyed and endured for a lifetime. This is in the Bible, both in the New and in the Old Testament, much to the chagrin of the Jews and Jesus’s disciples. In the book of Malachi, for instance, it is said that “you must…not break faith with the wife of your youth. / For I hate divorce, says the Lord, the God of Israel…” (Ch. 2) In the New Testament: “I now say to you, whoever divorces his wife and marries another commits adultery…,” to which the disciples replied, “If that is the case between man and wife, it is better not to marry.” (Ch. 19) To which I say, who is the wiser, Jesus or his disciples? For, as we oldsters all know, the ‘mystery’ ends somewhere between the first few months and the first decade, give or take. From then on, one finds oneself dealing not with an illusion but with another human being, and as many of us know, it is hard enough to have to deal with ourselves.
I did not fall into this topic by accident. Not only did I read the statement in Malachi last night – finishing the Bible at last, after nearly a year – but I heard that a female friend is suffering from depression because her marriage of nearly 40 years has come to a dead-end. They have nothing in common anymore, she says; he works and comes home and eats and such and then goes to bed; he is too tired to do fun things; and, we might suppose although we do not know, things are probably not a-boil in the bedroom (or elsewhere). What is she to do?
How many books have been written about this problem? In the bad old days of my youth, I was dumped and did some dumping myself over some of the same said problems, albeit after months rather than decades. Thinking of her situation actually makes me feel a little frightened. Michael Crichton wrote in his autobiography, Travels, of such a feeling at a party with friends and wives. When he and they learned that one part of a couple was missing because they were breaking up, all went silent, each thinking, “Who’s next? It could be us,” the thought casting doubt on the potential reliability of each spouse present. Yes, this could be any of us at some time, although the infirmities of age might overwhelm such considerations in the near future for some of us. Even then, someday that wife or husband next to us might be thinking, “There’s got to be something – someone – better. I have only one life to live, and it’s passing me by!”
The books on marriage: the most famous I have not read. They are usually displayed on day-time talk shows meant for women and include ways to spice up a marriage. The one I have just quoted – the Bible – states simply that “thou shalt not,” which is always easier said than done. In the New Testament particularly, we are supposed to shun the ways of the material world and live for pure spirit. Pure spirit does not need sexy lingerie to spice up a marriage. It only needs spirit, the purer the better, where there really wouldn’t be something better on the side, as pure spirit is always good all unto itself. There, problem solved.
Of course it isn’t, and the common religious remedy would be to pray for patience and returned love or at least duty. This isn’t quite as bad as it might seem, as the randy old Earnest Hemmingway once said (my paraphrase): “I should have stayed with the first wife. She was just as good as the rest,” famous last words that could come back to haunt many of us. As for myself: I say, get a good hobby or hobbies that are passions. Live your life together with your spouse and have regular contact, but do not be dependent on him or her to make your life exciting. Freud said that this is what most men do when confined sexually by a marriage, something he called “sublimation,” and he should know. The hobbies or work are supposed to be compensatory, but I for one can’t imagine having sex all the time with multiple wives or paramours or whatever voracious potentates like King David called his many, many lovers. (OK, I could imagine it at certain times, but not at others. Once the dinner is eaten, it is time for other entertainment).
What this all means for the depressed friend is, I admit, not much. She can change, but she might not be able to change her husband. That is the way it is with relationships, and sometimes we are unpleasantly surprised by how powerless we are when the other one decides to do something – like divorce – when we do not. Still, the Bible makes an enduring call to both this-world duty and spiritual-world reality. Nothing of this world endures, not its trinkets or money nor our power or health. The world, from children to spouse to alcohol to concerts, will let us down one way or another in the end. It, in totality, is not enough for long. This is one of the major points of wisdom.
But we are all spiritual beings, meaning that we have a potential for endless beauty and wonder. While we are attached to this world, we are just as limited; but once we become attached to the spirit, we are not. While the “mystery” may leave the marriage on one level, it need not ever go on another. This relationship creates what the Catholic leaders call a “holy marriage,” which does not mean one that is a-sexual, but rather one that is focused on spirit. This works all the more the more we focus on spirit. Again, it is not easy, just as not eating too much or drinking too much or whatever our excesses are is not easy, but it can be done, as successful AA members tell us.
But again, to have a happy spiritual marriage would require that both commit to it. If only one does, he or she might pay the price of continued suffering in the marriage or a break-up of the marriage by the other. Still, the point might be made that the worldly rudiments of marriage cannot keep people forever in love. Such it was that Elizabeth Taylor once confessed, “I marry so much because I love being in love!” I don’t think she really died choking on a chicken bone, but I am sure she did not die perpetually in love. Such are the dreams of adolescents.
I suppose that now I should hide this essay before my wife reads it, as she might assume that she is not the constant focus of my adoration. Fortunately, she rarely reads what I write because that mystery is gone for her. So be it. I would hate the responsibility of being perpetually interesting. And, having admitted that I do not have ultimate control of my marriage, I believe it is time to stop writing and get down to another of my passions, playing guitar. Not the sad guitar in the essay about the phony lost loves of my youth, but the exciting one that is always one step away from my ability, a challenge I will never really master – like eternal love. And so the mystery never ends.
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