It is not often that one sees creativity or anything out of mainstream thought in the newspaper. Yes, there are decent analysis in the op-ed sections, but radical ideas? No. In fact, it seems imperative to newspaper people that they always maintain a "sane" public persona. This is more limiting, I think, than most know, for they hem themselves into a herd, or in this case, the beltway mentality, which is often wrong. Which is why psychologist Phillip Chard's syndicated column is so unusual, and so appropriate.
Yes, he is a little too politically correct - you can hear the California Big Sur mentality in his voice a little too loudly at times - but his ideas are often strikingly off the beaten path, and often so right. A sermon at church yesterday (the new priest is on a roll) reminded me of one of his latest, this on self-esteem. How do you build it up for those in need? was the question. The answer was - well, you don't.
You don't because self-esteem is built on the image others have of you. You may repeat to yourself "I am great" all day long, but as soon as others politely, or not so politely, reject your work or words, the self-esteem bubble is popped. We are, after all, social animals, and biologically conditioned to respond to others. It is why newspapers are so gray - to bring in the customers. But also often wrong. They work necessarily on self-esteem, with subscription numbers the reflection of the reporter's self esteem. It is a delicate castle of sand indeed.
Instead, says Chard, one must work for self forgiveness. Admit that no one, including oneself, is perfect, and then treat yourself as you would a good friend. OK, so you got a little drunk and acted like a fool the other night - so what? It was entertaining. Forgive yourself. Wouldn't you, if your self were a friend, simply laugh it off?
Good advice, since it gets to the nut of the self-esteem issue, that it is a reflection of social interaction, and as such, mutable. Too mutable to build a stable self-image upon.
The Catholic Church has a different perspective, one that millions have fled, some fiercely. It is easy to see why. To the Church, we are all sinners. It makes one feel bad, but one has to admit that it places us all in the same boat - all of us. To put it crudely, for the Church, everybody's excrement stinks. But this, that we are all sinners and thus equal, does not complete the psychotherapy that the Church offers. This the priest reminded us of the other day. As I understood it, the "self" is not only a sinner, but not our true self. For the true self to be revealed, we must peal away the superficial self. How this is done is exactly the opposite of traditional self -esteem enhancement. It is, as the priest said, a matter of slowly, permanently turning one's life and actions over to Christ, to fulfill His mission of complete love for all. It is denying the selfish impulses, many of which arise exactly because of the need for self esteem. It is based more often than not on denying self-esteem.
And just like Phillip Chard's method, it is better than "esteem building." In fact, it is better than Chard's rather tepid method of self forgiveness, for Chard forgets one thing: in the real world, beneath the surface, life is a dark and scary place. The real self cannot be sustained by niceties such as Chard's self-forgiveness. But to position oneself next to God - to strive to work with the will of God - is a goal that is inexhaustible. It can work under any conditions, no matter how brutal. It can support the self, the deeper more serious self, always.
Religion demands a hell of a lot, and many simply do not want to give what it demands. I certainly understand, for I am often among those who run from it. On the other hand, what it gives back is much more than self-esteem, or even forgiveness - it is, rather, the power of life in the face of death, the death all selves know they must face. I can't think of a psychotherapy that can top that. FK
Yes, he is a little too politically correct - you can hear the California Big Sur mentality in his voice a little too loudly at times - but his ideas are often strikingly off the beaten path, and often so right. A sermon at church yesterday (the new priest is on a roll) reminded me of one of his latest, this on self-esteem. How do you build it up for those in need? was the question. The answer was - well, you don't.
You don't because self-esteem is built on the image others have of you. You may repeat to yourself "I am great" all day long, but as soon as others politely, or not so politely, reject your work or words, the self-esteem bubble is popped. We are, after all, social animals, and biologically conditioned to respond to others. It is why newspapers are so gray - to bring in the customers. But also often wrong. They work necessarily on self-esteem, with subscription numbers the reflection of the reporter's self esteem. It is a delicate castle of sand indeed.
Instead, says Chard, one must work for self forgiveness. Admit that no one, including oneself, is perfect, and then treat yourself as you would a good friend. OK, so you got a little drunk and acted like a fool the other night - so what? It was entertaining. Forgive yourself. Wouldn't you, if your self were a friend, simply laugh it off?
Good advice, since it gets to the nut of the self-esteem issue, that it is a reflection of social interaction, and as such, mutable. Too mutable to build a stable self-image upon.
The Catholic Church has a different perspective, one that millions have fled, some fiercely. It is easy to see why. To the Church, we are all sinners. It makes one feel bad, but one has to admit that it places us all in the same boat - all of us. To put it crudely, for the Church, everybody's excrement stinks. But this, that we are all sinners and thus equal, does not complete the psychotherapy that the Church offers. This the priest reminded us of the other day. As I understood it, the "self" is not only a sinner, but not our true self. For the true self to be revealed, we must peal away the superficial self. How this is done is exactly the opposite of traditional self -esteem enhancement. It is, as the priest said, a matter of slowly, permanently turning one's life and actions over to Christ, to fulfill His mission of complete love for all. It is denying the selfish impulses, many of which arise exactly because of the need for self esteem. It is based more often than not on denying self-esteem.
And just like Phillip Chard's method, it is better than "esteem building." In fact, it is better than Chard's rather tepid method of self forgiveness, for Chard forgets one thing: in the real world, beneath the surface, life is a dark and scary place. The real self cannot be sustained by niceties such as Chard's self-forgiveness. But to position oneself next to God - to strive to work with the will of God - is a goal that is inexhaustible. It can work under any conditions, no matter how brutal. It can support the self, the deeper more serious self, always.
Religion demands a hell of a lot, and many simply do not want to give what it demands. I certainly understand, for I am often among those who run from it. On the other hand, what it gives back is much more than self-esteem, or even forgiveness - it is, rather, the power of life in the face of death, the death all selves know they must face. I can't think of a psychotherapy that can top that. FK
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